Life won again last week which resulted in having to postpone my blog post but despite life happenings, I’ve been going back and forth on this piece. Not that the original was bad, I just thought it came off AGGRESSIVE. However, I still stand by every single word and for that, we are continuing on the original track….buckle up, y’all!
February…the month of L.O.V.E. Love. And, speaking on the behalf of bae’s past, if you have had a relationship with me or know what level I reach in my relationships, you know that <insert basic bish voice> “I LOVE, LOVE!”. At 29, it’s fair to say I’ve experienced my fair share of “love” and have learned a thing or two about romantic relationships. February is also an interesting emotional month, and not just because of Valentine’s Day but there’s already some intense reflection happening with the first month of the New Year under our belts. But since I love lovvveee so much, you already know I spent s a good amount of February reflecting on my past relationships. The mistakes I made with my own behavior/actions, areas that I need to build and, most importantly, the major flags I ignored because you know, “drunk in love.” As they, i.e. Oprah, say, “God throws a pebble before he throws a brick.” Now ain’t that the truth. But I have to say, all of my bricks have had some REAL message inscribed and I would be doing Future Bae a disservice if I didn’t examine those bricks and use them to build a strong foundation of lessons learned. And I got lots.
As the title proclaims, I consider myself a serial relationship partner. If you know me personally, this is no shock. I’m the girl that’s always in a relationship or consistently hanging out with someone. What can I say? I enjoy getting to know someone beyond casual pleasantries which more often than not has ended me in a long-term committed relationship but looking back without the rose-colored glasses, none of them really had the makings of the “this is a forever thing,” with the exception of my recent ex which I feel was more of a perfect storm of life happenings and HEAVY attraction – queue swirl action haha. But we decided it was best we go our separate ways three days before Valentine’s Day last year so, there’s that. Which brings me to the first lesson I learned when dating or pursuing or in a relationship, enter with the same intention. We women, yes…I’m calling ALL OF US OUT – myself included, can get caught up in romance REALLY QUICK. We get all stupid off of names of endearment which instantly makes us go googly-eyed and feel special – Spoiler Alert: Unless you have a ring, you’re probably 1/10 girls getting called baby and being told how great his world is when you’re in it. Sorry, you ain’t the only one boo. The male ego is THE NEEDIEST. So dudes, be mindful of this flirty behavior because even though the end goal is clear to you, not having any initial discussion of intentions will always leave room for them to be assumed. And it’s truly a recipe for disappointment, heartache and overall disaster. I’m not saying people need to introduce themselves with their projected marriage timeline and a desired number of kids on the first date, but make sure the person you enter a dating situation or relationship with wants the same things and have your actions reflect that appropriately. Leave an opportunity for misinterpretation at the door.
And while you’re at the door dropping things off, leave those past experiences and relationships you may keep dipping into to feed the ego, too. Unless you still feel emotionally compelled to remain in contact with an ex because in that case, own your feelings and address them appropriately, whatever that may mean. How unfair is it to the other person when we bring leftover emotions and previous failures and disappointment into a new, FRESH relationship? I know this isn’t always easy – which is why I encourage people to take time digging into their dysfunctional behavior/perspective before spending time pouring into a new relationship. If not acknowledged, you will only have the same relationship issues with a different face. Which is why we must trust ourselves. As the author of the Four Essentials of Trust Iyanla Vanzant describes, “The real issue of trust doesn’t lie within the difficulty within other people. The real issue is trusting yourself. Trusting yourself that you are going to make the right choices. Trusting yourself that you can head that voice and follow it. Trusting yourself that when people betray you, abandon you, don’t acknowledge you that you will be ok.” We cannot be blind to signs or behaviors that reinforce our gut feelings but we also cannot let our past cloud our vision and make us go on a confirmation-bias witch hunt. If you’re going to trust, first trust yourself, and if you choose to be vulnerable enough to trust another, you have to give it all you got.
If there’s one thing I’ve always trusted in, it’s that actions speak louder than words. Cliche but 100% true. Words are meaningless without consistent action backing them up. Unfortunately, a lot of weight is put in words which is why I find pathological liars terrifying. I believe that anyone who consciously makes the decision to lie – and yes, not disclosing FULL information is lying, you jerks – to people they care about is more concerned with their own wants/needs and is being emotionally reckless with their partner, love interest, what have you. In my experience, consistent liars/information withholders live in a false world, deciding to hide from their actions versus facing their own truth and being completely open and honest with significant people in their life. Yes, it can be REALLY SCARY to live in your truth, especially if you’ve done something you know the other person wouldn’t be too happy about it but – if I may SHOUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS – it is ALWAYS better to own your truth than making other believe surface situation when there’s a FUGGING MESS of lies underneath.
Basically, live by the Golden Rule in your relationships; Treat others how you want to be treated. I’ve always been fascinated by how well people treat strangers or someone they will have infrequent interaction with versus their partner. Perhaps we get comfortable in our relationships and stop the courting process…or maybe the lack of emotional commitment makes the opportunity to disappoint so small that best face is easier to wear. I don’t know…still looking into this. haha. Ok, I’ll get off my soapbox now. Until next week…but forreal.
Be light. Be love. <3