Before I jump into the story of my life since May 1st, I have to confess I’ve written this post at least five times, five different ways and lost attention and energy to continue in every single attempt…including last week when I had every intention of posting buuut again drifted away my desire. Haha. To be fair to me, a lot of those drafts served as emotional outlets framed as advice on how to support young people who have lost a parent(s). A piece I still intend sharing once I’m able to fully identify exactly what I need from my tribe besides the obvious for those who really know me; SPACE. <NOTE: If you know me, you know I’m a kitten. I’ll come to you when I want attention or to play; otherwise, leave me alone and let me roam in the wild for a few weeks. Don’t come to find me or blow me up. I’ll be back. Promise.> It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions since the day we found out my mom’s cancer spread to her brain and continues to be an emotional unpredictable ride every day since her leaving this physical world. Any moment can be very quickly swallowed by aching sadness but I do my best, like others, to put on my brave face, not as armor but to honor my mom and dad in this world by living in alignment with the daughter they poured intoraising. And let me tell you, the IDGAF attitude which ran DEEP in their blood is beginning to show itself in me more and more every day.
But, SWITCHING GEARS AND APPARENTLY, SEASONS…Chicago summer did a vanishing act literally in 24 hours, leaving the front door WIDE open for a winter warning sting announcing Harvest Season is HERE. Fall is the season I tend to feel most. How beautifully it displays the end of the season of abundance and the cycle of transition. And not only have we entered the last quarter of 2019, but these are officially the last DAYS of my 20s. The time period of your life that you’re supposed to be “figuring out who you are,” learning big lessons and setting a strong foundation for the next decade of expansion. As I look asses my community and those around me, it’s very apparent that everyone’s 20s-experience is different. Some people have already been married for 5 years with 6 kids, others are at the top of their careers and are pivoting to the next level. Some of us have just been riding the wave; punching the clock, traveling, adulting and doing life. Without being too critical, looking back on the last 10 years all I see is monsoon waves. Having been hit with so many life blows that the concept of “forever” and “permanent” are as wavering as a flag in the wind because, and quickly bluntly, nothing and no one lasts forever.
BUT, this year on its own has shown me SO MUCH of myself. 2019 defines exactly who I am and has revealed the areas I thought I had a solid understanding but need to continue growing. This year and all of its seasons have rooted me so deeply, so strongly in my convictions and my values. As I close out the decade of discovery and enter the next, I stand strong, confident, and Rooted to Rise. Looking back with gratitude for all I’ve learned, I shift my focus to pouring energy back into myself; returning inward. A return home; which is self and how beautiful she is.
As my roots dig deeper and my life rhythm returns, I can’t promise regular postings. Writing has become an emotional, heavy space for me and in doing so, I find myself resisting to not feel but as with anything, the only way is through. There is no content schedule, no deadlines. Just empty pages waiting for the mind dump floodgates to open. In sharing my experience, I’ve always hoped my story was received as a familiar experience to remind readers no matter their struggles or loss, celebrations, and victories; we are all together in this human experience.
Be love. Be light.